Travelling by Air

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Sir Bedevere: 'Now, why do witches burn?'

Peasant: '... because they're made of wood?'

Sir Bedevere: 'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of ... wood?'

Peasant 2: 'Build a bridge out of her.'

A Cautionary Tale of Travelling by Air

My plane is late leaving LaGuardia, an hour late, which will cut into the time I have to make connections in Montreal. I need that time for customs, picking up my suitcase, going through security, dropping off the suitcase and then getting though the next security before boarding my final flight. If I’m lucky, I’ll have time to eat.

Everywhere in the Montreal airport, there are signs saying, “This process will take 10 to 15 minutes. Following that, you have a 5 to 12 minute walk to your gate.” This is supposed to be helpful. It isn’t reassuring when I’ve lost an hour, sitting on the runway at LaGuardia.

I hustle through the Montreal airport, walking-running-sprinting, paying attention to where I’m going so I don’t waste time getting lost. All is well, though time is tight, until I reach the place where I hand over my customs form and am about to return my luggage to Air Canada. I fumble handing the form to the staff person. My hands are sweaty from hurrying.

He looks at me, sees an older, overweight, sweaty woman who appears nervous.  Automatically, he points at an open door. Now, I have to go to a second level of security screening. The officer decides I am trying to hide something.

Him: What are you declaring?

Me:  (I think, holy shit I’ll never make the plane now, but remain polite.) I bought two small books and a DVD while in New York.

Him: You’re telling me that you were in New York for Black Friday and all you spent was $60?

Me: Yes. I went to visit family, to spend time with grandchildren.  All I’m bringing back are two books and a Monty Python DVD.  (I offer the additional information hoping it makes me look ordinary, boring and non-threatening.)

Him: Are you saying that if I search your bag and your purse, I won’t find undeclared items?

Me:  That’s what I’m saying.  I have a cold, caught it from my grandson and I’ve been running trying to make my connection. That’s why I look flustered.

Him: Yes,’ tis the season for giving. (No smile.)  I want to search your bags.

Me: That’s OK with me.  Can you help me lift the suitcase?

Him: You look anxious? Are you hiding anything? (He glares at me.)

Me: (Trying hard to remain calm and polite.) No I’m not hiding anything. I visited my family and I didn’t want anything badly enough to take the train, then the subway into New York to shop over the Thanksgiving holiday. I am anxious as I don’t have much time to get to my next flight.

Him: You are shaking and your eyes are watery.

Me:  Yes, I have a cold, and yes, my nose and eyes are runny.

Him: I think you are hiding something.

Me: (I think every swear word I know.) I say: I am hiding nothing but you are welcome to search. Perhaps you could help me lift this bag to your counter.

Him: (Smirking.) You look suspicious because you dropped your customs form and because you are sweating. (He stares and bends over the counter to push his face closer to mine.) I can go through everything. What will I find?

Me: (I stare back, feel bullied. I hope he catches my cold. He continues to stare at me silently. I blow my nose.)

Finally...

Him: Have a good trip. You can go now.

Me: Thanks. (I think bad thoughts.)

 I run-walk to return my bag to Air Canada: this contentious bag containing two small books and a DVD and my clothes.

It is 20 minutes until final boarding for my plane. I go through the next security point (10 to 15 minutes) and then run to my gate (faster than the seven minutes it says it takes). I make it, sweating, out of breath, feeling miserable.

Because of delays, I eat nothing since breakfast except airline pretzels and water. I feel sick and shiver uncontrollably in the uncomfortable, cold and noisy Air Canada Dash 8 which flies from Montreal to Moncton.

The air hostess is friendly, asks if I want water and free pretzels. I say no. She asks if I enjoyed my trip.

The answer is yes, except for this last day of travel with Air Canada, coming back through Montreal.

What have I learned?

Don’t sweat or look nervous when passing through security’s scrutiny.  (Yes, I know they have a job to do and an important one, however this issue of being hauled over and given the gears for merely sweating has happened before. I’m sorry but I’m a damp kind of person.)

Don’t fly with a cold. Wow! That was a painful lesson and one I won’t repeat.

Drive instead of flying whenever possible.

Learn to sprint without perspiring.

Why am I not complaining about my trip from Moncton to New York?

I flew that part of the trip with West Jet.

Perhaps, the Monty Python writers could make a movie moment out of the idiocy of harassing older, out-of-shape women in airport security.

The photo and quote above are from Monty Python's The Holy Grail.

Air Canada 616

Air Canada

Air Canada gets lots of bad press.  Threatened strikes and lost luggage, late flights, employee rudeness and attendant crabbiness.  If you bring up the subject of Air Canada, each person has a story; not all of them are positive.

I flew with Air Canada on a recent trip to New York.  The ticket agents were helpful and friendly; the staff were pleasant and went out of their way to accommodate my needs and to answer my questions.  All went well until the last leg of the trip home. The flight itself from Toronto to Halifax was uneventful, except for weather related turbulence and heavy rain with unpredictable winds.

As we began the landing process in Halifax, approaching the runway and decreasing speed, suddenly we were ascending.  The pilot spoke to us saying that front controls for the airplane were not working properly.  He said that we would try again to land after circling to get into position.

We circled for nearly 20 minutes.  The pilot indicated that front end controls were still not working… there would be emergency vehicles on the runway … we were re-routing to a longer runway.  He also assured us that the landing would be normal.

This seemed to me to be more disquieting than if he had said we were having problems and the landing would be if-y.   How is it helpful to say there are front end mechanical issues on an Airbus 320 and then to say, “It will be a normal landing”?

The lights went dark and the cabin filled with heavy, thick silence. We circled and circled for nearly 45 minutes.   My husband, waiting in the terminal said that the boards indicated that our flight had arrived; probably some screw up caused by our plane starting to descend to the runway in the beginning and then having to ascend rapidly.

We did land in Halifax, eventually, albeit roughly, with considerable bumpiness.  I felt relieved to be on solid ground and the cabin occupants burst into stress released conversation, the false brightness that anxiety passing brings.

We landed as smoothly as possible without benefit of the flaps down and the flare out that planes generally use to slow themselves to an easy, gentle descent to the runway.  Emergency vehicles were nearby

These had been tense moments.  And I felt grateful to the experienced pilots of flight AC 616 from Toronto to Halifax for knowing how to land a huge airplane with 200+ passengers, despite some necessary parts not working.

Perhaps, we were never in much danger.  I don’t really know.

Perhaps Air Canada needs a tune up on personnel, customer relations and luggage tracking; I don’t know about those issues either.  I only know I am thankful that pilots with experience and calm determination got us out of the sky on a rainy miserable night with minimal discomfort despite mechanical problems on the Airbus 320.

Thanks to Air Canada for a safe landing!