On the Right Track

 

 

On the Right Track

 

Writing is hard, harder than usual.

 

Most of the time, my mind composes lines of poetry and creates fragments of stories no matter what else is happening around me.  I carry a small notepad and a pencil everywhere I go, to capture thoughts, observations, conversations and phrases.  At home, notebooks and pens lie scattered, ready for words.  Most of the time, my mind flows with writing.

But writing is harder than usual because I’ve been ill, had surgery, radiation and an accompanying depression.  These new and nasty experiences are behind me now.  Yet they remain close enough to influence how well my mind works.

This “how well” part isn’t working so well.  I loathe feeling so slow and so stupid, like swimming blind through a river of slush.  My clarity is improving but at the pace of an icicle melting in winter.  I attempt to write each day; the output comes in drips.

To journey through recovery is to wander in a fog of weariness where thoughts and images flicker at a distance, indistinct and muffled.  I reach for them and they retreat.  I can’t bring them to the page.  Some days the fog smothers my way and I am lost.  I can’t write a thing.

I’m told this is normal.  Gosh!  It's not comforting.  I’m finished my treatments, done with the meds and I want to be well.   What my mind wants doesn’t matter; what my body wants does.

I am weary.  I rest.  I sleep.  I am awake and energetic in short bursts, then I am weary again.  Am I improving?  Yes.  Are there longer periods of energy?  Yes.  Will I return to myself?  Yes…eventually.  I am on the right track.

I am grateful for early diagnosis, for medical care, for survival.  I am thankful for moments when mind-fuddle clears, when I can write, when I glimpse feeling at home within myself.

But, I’ll be delighted as a four-year old in new rubber boots on the first puddle-filled day of spring when my mind sheds this fog and this weariness.

Until I can embrace my writing with all of myself, with every bit of myself...until then, I am on the right track...frustration on one side and patience on the other.

 

Words and photo are copyright © Carol Steel.

 

The Next Message

Zayden chatting with Nanny

The next message you need is always

right where you are.

This is a quote from Ram Dass, sent by www.gratefulness.org

It is easy to be distracted by life’s minutia and challenges.  I forget what is important, what is waving me down as I travel through, hurrying, oblivious to opportunities right in front of me, simply not getting the message.

My inability to take time to write this past weekend gave me time to hang Christmas lights and to enjoy being outdoors in this unusually mild weather.

My interest in art kept me from my own, but allowed me to spend time at the Riverview Art Society’s Show on Saturday morning, and with my sister who is an artist, later that afternoon. And, gave me the chance to visit with other family I’ve not seen lately.

My sewing machine refused to cooperate as I tried to create curtains and sheers for my mother’s kitchen windows on Monday.  The ornery machinery gave me the message and occasion to spend a leisurely day with my mother, peacefully sewing by hand.  And, a chance to see the newest baby in the family.

A headache and lack of focus on Tuesday propelled me to the hardware store for replacement lights (‘tis the season) where I met an old friend and had a great chat.  To the grocery store where I simply wandered slowly enjoying the decorations, being in no particular rush.

A five-hour stint of filing, emailing, creating minutes and a “To Do” list for my volunteer work allowed me to feel productive and organized, and to connect with folks as I searched for information.

Picking up and dropping off a family member, twice today, took time but gave me time while waiting, to write in the car.  How luxurious! Quiet, undisturbed.

Some questions challenging my life’s work and beliefs pushed my buttons until I saw these as opportunities to re-examine what I hold to be true.  And to recognize as always:  my journey is not another’s journey.  We each find our own way.

The message is to relax and enjoy where I am, no matter what, to quiet my inner nattering, to be peaceful inside myself, to enjoy the ones I’m with and to “just be” in those moments.

The writing will come.  There will be time.

Photo is mine.  Words in red will take you to another site for additional information, if you click on them.