Sunday, March 18, 2012

Collide, a Poem



Collide, a Poem

Me.
And you with eyes blue as August skies,
our imaginations ripe.

You began to decree,
to demand,
became lost in your plans.
Adrift in your head,
you floated far from your heart.

Our love went dark,
lost in the grasp
of your rolling-mill squeeze.

Like a stamping child,
you went home,
with your mill and your rules.

And lost in your grief,
your own mind
you destroyed.

And, me?
Worn thin,

I wept
when I heard.

Yet the fold
you formed
remains.
A raised memory
on the flesh
of my life.

A forever tattoo

on my heart.

NOTES:
This is another (and perhaps better) version of a poem I wrote called Collide.  It’s a work in progress, like my poetry, like my life. 
My  relationships, brief or lasting, painful or loving, sometimes both, leave their marks on my life.  I grow and learn about myself through the people I touch and the people who touch me.
A piece of metal folded and unfolded becomes work-hardened and the fold remains as a raised line on the surface.  The fold lines, left on me from my relationships, bear witness to my journey.
A rolling mill is a machine designed to produce thinner gauges of metal and wire.
This photo is not mine.  It is from http://www.mostphotos.com  It is an iron statue on a beach, appropriate because of the colour of the August sky and the rigid struggle in the poem.
If you have a comment about my poetry, I welcome feedback.

Words in red will take you to another website with more information, if you click on them.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

In my experience metal doesn't harden when bent but is stressed and becomes weaker. In fact, if you bend the right metal it breaks and others will break with a sufficient number of bends. I'm not sure if that supports or hurts your analogy though.

Carol Steel 5050 said...

Thanks for your feedback. In the poem, I thought that the analogy would work as I wasn't thinking of the metal breaking, merely being marked or scarred. I see your point and will try again with the poem...it is a work in progress. If this analogy doesn't work, I'll find another. Thanks.

Crafty Green Poet said...

I think the analogy works well poetically even if it's not factually entirely correct according to the previos commentator

Carol Steel 5050 said...

Hi CGP,
Thanks for your comment. I thought the image of metal being ridged after being bent was apt. I appreciate the factual information as well. I was thinking more of poetry than of metal working. I appreciate your feedback and will keep working on this poem.

Anonymous said...

I loved the poem, (and going back to the original) and the photo is brilliant. An iron statue on a beach I would love to see in person. I really enjoyed the explanation notes you wrote after the poem also. It is agreed with CGP about the analogy working well even though maybe not factually correct but as you say you were thinking more about the poetry. Good point to note though. Wendy also loved the poem and the beach photo. Brilliant.

Linda

Carol Steel 5050 said...

Hi Linda,
Thank you for your comment. I do love to receive feedback. I know that as I write newer versions of poems, I improve and that is encouraging to me. I appreciate comments about what works and what doesn't. I learn from both and that is the point of my writing, to get better and better. Thanks for the feedback.