Travelling by Air

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Sir Bedevere: 'Now, why do witches burn?'

Peasant: '... because they're made of wood?'

Sir Bedevere: 'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of ... wood?'

Peasant 2: 'Build a bridge out of her.'

A Cautionary Tale of Travelling by Air

My plane is late leaving LaGuardia, an hour late, which will cut into the time I have to make connections in Montreal. I need that time for customs, picking up my suitcase, going through security, dropping off the suitcase and then getting though the next security before boarding my final flight. If I’m lucky, I’ll have time to eat.

Everywhere in the Montreal airport, there are signs saying, “This process will take 10 to 15 minutes. Following that, you have a 5 to 12 minute walk to your gate.” This is supposed to be helpful. It isn’t reassuring when I’ve lost an hour, sitting on the runway at LaGuardia.

I hustle through the Montreal airport, walking-running-sprinting, paying attention to where I’m going so I don’t waste time getting lost. All is well, though time is tight, until I reach the place where I hand over my customs form and am about to return my luggage to Air Canada. I fumble handing the form to the staff person. My hands are sweaty from hurrying.

He looks at me, sees an older, overweight, sweaty woman who appears nervous.  Automatically, he points at an open door. Now, I have to go to a second level of security screening. The officer decides I am trying to hide something.

Him: What are you declaring?

Me:  (I think, holy shit I’ll never make the plane now, but remain polite.) I bought two small books and a DVD while in New York.

Him: You’re telling me that you were in New York for Black Friday and all you spent was $60?

Me: Yes. I went to visit family, to spend time with grandchildren.  All I’m bringing back are two books and a Monty Python DVD.  (I offer the additional information hoping it makes me look ordinary, boring and non-threatening.)

Him: Are you saying that if I search your bag and your purse, I won’t find undeclared items?

Me:  That’s what I’m saying.  I have a cold, caught it from my grandson and I’ve been running trying to make my connection. That’s why I look flustered.

Him: Yes,’ tis the season for giving. (No smile.)  I want to search your bags.

Me: That’s OK with me.  Can you help me lift the suitcase?

Him: You look anxious? Are you hiding anything? (He glares at me.)

Me: (Trying hard to remain calm and polite.) No I’m not hiding anything. I visited my family and I didn’t want anything badly enough to take the train, then the subway into New York to shop over the Thanksgiving holiday. I am anxious as I don’t have much time to get to my next flight.

Him: You are shaking and your eyes are watery.

Me:  Yes, I have a cold, and yes, my nose and eyes are runny.

Him: I think you are hiding something.

Me: (I think every swear word I know.) I say: I am hiding nothing but you are welcome to search. Perhaps you could help me lift this bag to your counter.

Him: (Smirking.) You look suspicious because you dropped your customs form and because you are sweating. (He stares and bends over the counter to push his face closer to mine.) I can go through everything. What will I find?

Me: (I stare back, feel bullied. I hope he catches my cold. He continues to stare at me silently. I blow my nose.)

Finally...

Him: Have a good trip. You can go now.

Me: Thanks. (I think bad thoughts.)

 I run-walk to return my bag to Air Canada: this contentious bag containing two small books and a DVD and my clothes.

It is 20 minutes until final boarding for my plane. I go through the next security point (10 to 15 minutes) and then run to my gate (faster than the seven minutes it says it takes). I make it, sweating, out of breath, feeling miserable.

Because of delays, I eat nothing since breakfast except airline pretzels and water. I feel sick and shiver uncontrollably in the uncomfortable, cold and noisy Air Canada Dash 8 which flies from Montreal to Moncton.

The air hostess is friendly, asks if I want water and free pretzels. I say no. She asks if I enjoyed my trip.

The answer is yes, except for this last day of travel with Air Canada, coming back through Montreal.

What have I learned?

Don’t sweat or look nervous when passing through security’s scrutiny.  (Yes, I know they have a job to do and an important one, however this issue of being hauled over and given the gears for merely sweating has happened before. I’m sorry but I’m a damp kind of person.)

Don’t fly with a cold. Wow! That was a painful lesson and one I won’t repeat.

Drive instead of flying whenever possible.

Learn to sprint without perspiring.

Why am I not complaining about my trip from Moncton to New York?

I flew that part of the trip with West Jet.

Perhaps, the Monty Python writers could make a movie moment out of the idiocy of harassing older, out-of-shape women in airport security.

The photo and quote above are from Monty Python's The Holy Grail.

The Experience of Air Travel

The Experience of Air Travel

See people ahead of you take extra time to place their belongings in the plastic security trays:  belt, shoes, jacket, watch, jewellery, cell phone, money clip, pocket change, car keys, along with other unidentifiable metal things.  See time slow down.

See the pilot rush past you on the escalator.  Feel him nearly knock you down, when his luggage hits your back.  See that you are both rushing to the same plane.

Hear a male passenger bragging to his female seatmate about his $200,000. a-year job, organizing and selling shipping boxes.

See his seatmate squeeze herself against the window and turn away from the man.  See him not notice and hear him talking and talking.

See your seatmate use his I-pad.  See him alternate, every 15 minutes, between playing a game where airplanes drop bombs on tanks below and reading passages from I John in the Bible.

Feel your seatmate poke you in the ribs each time he moves his arm, now that he’s switched to his laptop.  See him stare at you when you mention this.  Feel yourself move so that a different rib gets poked from time to time, to ease the ache.  Think that he obviously hasn’t read the I John3:18 verse yet.

See a man playing solitaire on an I-pad.  See him tap his left leg 3 times and snap his fingers twice, before each card move.

Smell the foot odor from the people behind you.  Hear that they have made themselves comfortable by removing their sneakers.   Feel uncomfortable.  Turn on your overhead air.

Hear the music from the personal earphones of the man three rows ahead.  Think about his hearing loss.  Think about his taste in music.

Feel amazed at the ability of the woman across the aisle, to sleep undisturbed through the noisy outbursts of her own flatulence.  Avoid breathing.

See the couple in the seat ahead of you, faces pressed together in the space between the seats; lots of kissing, lots of tongue action.  Feel anguish that you are not asleep with your eyes shut.  Hear the spit-swappers complain to the attendant that the cabin air is dry and they are so thirsty.

See clouds above and below.  Feel wonder at the dark shadows on the waves of cloud.  Think about writing a poem.

Feel empathy and warmth at the patience and resourcefulness of parents travelling with children and babies.

Hear two women discussing which one`s daughter has been accepted into the best university.  Hear them say, ``You know… like… and like, you know`` many times.  Like...too many times.

See a couple ask for tomato juice.  See them pour their own vodka into their glasses.  Feel curiosity about how they got on the plane carrying booze.

See cities and rivers, lakes and farms spread like the screen of an aerial Google map.  Think about how tidy and perfect it looks.

See a couple springing into a grooming routine, prior to landing.  See him lick his fingers and pat down her stray hairs.  See her lick her fingers and pat his dyed red curls.  See her tweeze his eyebrows.   See his wrinkles and pouty face.  See her French manicure gel nails and her three-carat diamond ring.  See how thin and fashionable they are.

See passengers unbuckling, standing and reaching for overhead luggage, as soon as the wheels hit the runway.   Hear yourself breathe.  Feel yourself be patient.

Think about how temporary discomfort will get you to someplace you really want to be.

See and hear human behaviour.   Feel how intriguing it is.

Thank the flight attendants.  Feel sympathy; they have to work these flights every day.

Feel glad you have a sense of humor.

Feel glad you have arrived.

Feel glad and excited that you`ll soon see your grandsons and their parents.

Feel good.

See yourself walking off the plane, through the airport and out into the passenger pick up lane.

See them coming.

Feel yourself smiling.