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Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Revision of Yesterday's Poem


This is spring – the wooing
of sunlight and soil.
Its warm breezes
coax crocuses and squills,
unwrap pungent earth, wake up
the bees.

Now winter has left us, gone 
the snow,
shards of ice,
its relentless 

Winter teaches us to love
the innumerable greens,
the fertility of melt,
and the return of the robins,
as they stamp,
heads canted
listen for worms.

This is the revision of a poem, using a turn at the line "Winter teaches us to love." What do you think?  Is it better than the version from yesterday, or worse?  I will continue to look at it, to see where I can improve the writing.


Jane Tims said...

Hi. The changes have the effect of more thoroughly separating winter and spring; I like this. I am glad you kept the last lines intact. Now I wonder about 'with' ... Does winter go with the snow or is the snow going a consequence of winter leaving. If you leave out 'with' the ideas gain clarity (for me). Jane

Carol Steel said...

Thanks, Jane, that does work more clearly. Thank you for taking the time to read, compare and suggest. Much appreciated.